Traveling Through The Winter

Traveling Through the Winter
Golden Fluid Acrylic on watercolor paper
8x10" image on 9x12" paper

Yesterday, I was browsing on line and saw a photograph in the background of some picture of a house. Shame on me, but I lost the image. All of a sudden, I was inspired to paint another traveling scene, and I scrabbled around in my room for my paints and papers, filled a jar with water and picked the biggest brush in my small brush collection (I've been painting small, so I have mostly detail brushes) and then I wooshed on a bright red wash for the underpainting and started adding layers.

The inspiration was the photo in the picture, a distant stand of bare trees, a white overcast sky. The original was green, though. A bright grass green, that as I painted never gelled. The white sky and the gray leafless trees made me think cold. And the painting that I was doing, as opposed to the reference photo, wanted to be white.

What can I say? This is how I paint often. Start with my idea, which often doesn't work and then listen to what the painting says it wants. That's why I don't do straight realism. Because the medium has it's own requests of me. The thing I am painting has its own life, outside of the thing I am representing.

That's how I paint. I pay attention to the paint. I listen to the painting. And if it says something different than the referenced subject, the painting gets what it wants.

This was kind of a fun painting.

Even if I had kids climbing all over me. Actually, I had kids collaborating. Telling me I needed more white, or I needed to add pink *right there*. Yes. The pink light streak, that was Ivy's idea. And she told me where. And she wasn't satisfied until it was done. I'd been planning maybe an orange or a yellowy white, more like my other traveling paintings, but in the end, I think my two year old was right. It needed pink. I don't only listen to my paint or my intuition, I listen to the kid, too.

As for the meaning of the painting... oh, Winter... that time of withdrawal, of silence, of sleep, of dark.

Winter reminds me that this too does indeed pass.

Just Some Flowers

Just Some Flowers I Drew For Me
Pitt Artist Pens, Golden Fluid Acrylic on Paper

Part of the process of being an artist, is losing it, and recovering it. At least for me.

Creativity is not a static thing, it is a fluid process.

Sometimes the process goes underground and it seems as if we don't have access to it.

But we are humans, and as humans, innately creative beings.

It shows up in different ways, painting or writing, maybe, or maybe cooking or gardening, or a way of dealing with complicated problems, or a way of relating in our social circles. I doubt there is anyway to put a limit on the uses of human creativity.

I suppose it is our ability to envision something different from what is already present in our reailty.

In that case, then we are being creative simply by following our urges to be creative when we feel we are not.

So here is my drawing for today. I am following my urge to paint. I am taking the steps to find my voice, find my painting from a place where I was not painting. (Yes, me too, who painted almost every day this last year, I go back to being a creative shlub.)

I don't feel like I have the brilliance or the inspiration or the calm or the energy to do what I used to do. I'm always so tired at night and so busy during the day and my brain is running off on so many fragmented thoughts that , I seem to never pick up my paintbrush.

But I committed to it. I committed to the page and I showed up. My paints were too much for me last night, so I took out my Pitt Artist Pens and drew some flowers while watching So You Think You Can Dance. I just drew something pretty. No meaning. No self criticism, just acceptance. A drawing, a little acrylic wash over that.

And that little step is yet another step on the road to my bigger goals.

Oh the up and down road of life.

The Lion Tamer and Her Love

The Lion Tamer and Her Love
Ink, Golden Fluid Acrylic, paper. 8.5x5"

Hey, I don't know what the answer is to taming my life.

But I have a sneaking suspicion that the key is love. Perhaps it is not ALL that is needed, but maybe it is the guiding principle.

How do I stay in the present moment? Love it for what it is.
How do I get all this stuff done? Love the doing of it.
How do I stop stressing myself out over not being perfect? Love myself and all my flaws.
How do I get my daughter potty trained? Love the journey and make it satisfying.
How do I finish a novel in one month? Love the writing and love myself enough to take the time.

Well, as I think about it, maybe it isn't just about love... but maybe, if we think about what love means...maybe we can also expand it to mean respect, joy, acceptance, understanding, laughter, trust, friendship, kindness, attention.

In that case, yeah, maybe it is true, and not just trite.

Go at something from a place of love, even if it means tough love sometimes, and that is how we win through.

Even if it isn't, it'll make for a more love filled, life, won't it?

Flying Girl for a Reason, or I am Where I am

Flying Girl for a Reason, or I am Where I am
Golden Fluid Acrilyc and white ink on paper, 8.5x 5"

Sometimes I am all caught up in the whirl of life and wishes and dashed hopes and baby steps and laughter and exhaustion. It's quite a dance. And I don't know where it's going.

But I was reminded this weekend that life is what it is, regardless of how we might wish that it turned out differently, it just is. And it is for some reason. What is the reason? I have no idea, but I do know that as long as I am looking for the lesson, looking for what I can learn or how I can grow, then even my failures in life will end up being positives.

This is my philosophy in life. It's all a process.

Interesting that it would coincide with this painting that I don't really consider to be a success... but still has elements within it that I would like to try again or develop. I liked the idea of white ink or paint on a black background, and I liked the idea of accepting where we are in life, even if it looks a little dark. I don't know how well the two ideas came together, but that doesn't mean there's nothing there.

Another related thought is with my writing right now. Doing nanowrimo, I'm trying to write 1667-2k words per day. It has been very hit or miss. I am having more trouble hitting my wordcounts this year than any of the previous three years. I'm okay in the total, but day by day, I keep falling down.

So I've been thinking about this, about the writing process, about my own goals for myself which are often terribly difficult and often not very thoughtful of my life or my own well being. And about what happens to me when my goals are so large that I get overwhelmed and don't seem to be able to even start, let alone reach them.

I think both these topics come back to the necessity of existing where we are in the actual moment, without guilt or fear.

I am a full time stay at home mom without help. If I want to write a novel, I have to take advantage of the moments I have without reservation, but if my life/kids call me to be present for them, I have to let go of the writing and be there for my own life/kids without reservation. It is what it is. I have to learn to accept the interruptions, and accept my own imperfections. Even accept my frustrations as part of the process of writing as a stay at home mom without help.

No matter where you are in life, I think that accepting the reality of the present is key.

For me, it even comes down writing down all the things I have to or want to do, accepting them, naming them, recognizing their value or necessity, prioritizing them, and then taking action.

Huh. I think that's part of what they mean when they say "grounding." It's taking care of the present. The physicality. How things fit together or work. Paying attention to details, and helping things run smoothly. No wonder making To Do lists is always the first step in finding my way back to balance.

As someone who tends to live in her head... this is a pretty major realization for me.

How do you keep grounded?

Pear, or Enjoy the Little Things

Pear

pen and paper, 8x5

I don't have a quote from a truly "inspirational" source today... but I did go see Zombieland with my brother yesterday, and although I am zombie phobic (so why did I go see it? I don't know) I am going to take my inspiration from the main character's rules. One of which was

ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS.

I figure if this rule is good for a world of zombie apocalypse, it will do for me in the years that my children are barely civilized savages who want to eat what they want when they want it and will scream and run ravening for me if they don't get it. Not too far off from zombies, right?

So here's my drawing of a snack. I'd already eaten the cheese and crackers and decided to draw the pear half through the eating of it.

Enjoy the little things.

Along with enjoying the little blessings, I think it's important to recognize the little accomplishments, the things that don't seem to get you closer to your big goals, but do in fact help your life to work.

I've never been good at this life maintenance stuff, living in my head and painting pictures and writing novels and enjoying life, but losing track of the daily stuff. The dishes in the sink. The bills. The people I should keep in contact with. Paperwork that I should pull together. Even a healthy diet.

It probably means I am not connected to my base chakra, or I am not grounded or perhaps I need a keeper. I don't know, but being the mom of little kids is really challenging my tendency to live in my head.

You just can't do it. They need too much daily care for me to live all in my head.

For instance, yesterday, I lost my whole day of creativity because I had to get some old paperwork of Ivy's straightened out. It took up my writing time and I only ended up writing 777 words all day. The rest of the day it was taking care of the kids and making dinner and cleaning up and just making it through with the lack of sleep that was slightly more than normal as I'd woken up early for the paper work gauntlet. I even kept my movie date with my brother, because, you know? maintaining relationships is also part of this life upkeep.

BUT I decided to accept that the maintenance and paperwork all was part of life and was in fact productive although it didn't seem to get me closer to my goals.

I didn't even write in my novel after I came home from the movies. I watched a DVRed Office episode to get the zombies out of my head and went to sleep early.

This morning, I woke up, not even all that early, and wrote 3000 pages while the kids were watching Dora and the Crystal Palace (thankyou Nick Jr). I made yesterdays wordcount and today's in an hour and a half.

Maybe this will help me remember that life doesn't have to be rigid in its expectations. We can go with the flow, sometimes not being perfectly on top of everything, and in the end, as long as we stay focus on the goal, be just fine.

Flying Girl in the Gentle Landscape, or To Yourself Be Kind

Flying Girl in the Gentle Landscape, or To Yourself Be Kind
Golden Fluid Acrylic on Paper, 5x8"
November 3, 2009


I've been pretty lame with painting lately. Just trying to figure things out and organize my seemingly unorganizable life. Oh, yeah, and write a novel. And care for two little kids.

I've recently decided that, as a stay at home mom with no help, it's kind of impossible to think that I can create a career from scratch that is moving full speed ahead while I am at home taking care of the kids.

I can manage to find some corners to take care of writing or painting or blogging or etsy or freelancing or social networking or photography or all the other things I want to do, but, and I emphasize the but, here, BUT I can not do them all and I especially cannot do them all full time.

I am a full time stay at home mom, so I need to make peace with the fact that I can'tbe a go getter, or at least, not a get up and go getter. Just a little go getter, or perhaps a stop and go getter.

I still want to do all those things, and perhaps I can find ways to shuffle them into my life in smaller bites than my druthers.

One of the things I'd like to be doing is Art Everyday Month. But I haven't been painting. I lost my work space in my recent temporary move, and I've really been feeling the loss. I didn't realize I had a great spot to work until it was gone. I didn't think my corner in the play room or my WIP bag on the sofa was ideal, but it was just what I needed. Go figure.

I don't know if I will manage to paint everyday. My life seems so chaotic at times and I don't always have the presence of mind, or maybe I'm just making other choices, I don't know. But one of the ideas I thought might help me to take part in AEDM is to search out words of inspiration and turn them into paintings.

Goodness knows, I need inspiration right now. So what if I follow what I need, and spend some time with the words by painting them? Sometimes I find painting or writing about my paintings centers me. It's so much better to focus on those inspirational or empowering words than it is to focus on my personal worries and all the things I have to do and all the things I haven't done to my liking.

I guess in a way, painting and writing are my spiritual practice. Painting is like meditating. Writing helps me understand things. Writing about my painting brings me back into that space and reminds me of the things I want to focus on.

So I'm going to try and paint more inspirational Flying Girls... or botanicals... or landscapes... or fashion illustrations... I don't know. I'm not limiting myself to topic this time. I'm just going to follow the words.

It make sense in National Novel Writing Month. Especially while I am writng a novel. By the way....

wordcount: 7598

My Life: The Teacher, and Some Goals So I Can Keep Moving

Chapter 15: The Teacher

When I did this chapter, back in 2003, I was only a few months out of teaching. I'd quit teaching to follow my art. I could easily have made this chapter about being an actual teacher, which I had loved, mostly.

But I didn't.

No, this chapter became about the ups and downs of life. The shadows and the light. The rollercoaster. The ferris wheel. The ups and downs. The carnival. The wheel of fate.

This chapter became about Life being The Teacher.

How do we learn?? Truly? By living life and taking the lumps and learning the lessons of our mistakes and clawing our way back up when we are down and understanding the heights are only temporary, only just another part of the whirling, twirling ride of life.

In all honestly, I am probably in a low spot in life. It contracts and I draw back, open up smaller doors to let in the light needed.

There's something to say for contracting, making your goals smaller, letting things go. There's something to say for reassessing what is really important and what you really want your life to be about.

So here I am, on the wheel at it's bottom... but, you know, I do have faith that it will be going up soon. I mean, maybe it's stalled out a little, but I have faith, any minute, it could start rising. Or maybe it already has, and I don't notice because the movement is so slow and I am only seeing the lack of altitude.

What can I focus on right now? Well, what I can do right now.

In fact, I am going to write out my goals for November.

1. Write 50k (or more) words in my Urban Fantasy novel for nanowrimo. (I am at 3256 on day 2 1/2)

2. Get back to drawing/painting every day, again. (I think I found a way in. I think I'm going to paint/draw works that are inspired by quotes. I'm looking for inspiration, looking for hope, looking for focus, and wise words from the world's philosophers, writers, artists will help me, I think.)

3. Try to maintain my shop a little better. I've been slacking due to life being uncooperative, but I think I can get some more stuff in there, if I focus.

4. Finish my chapter on Intuitive Painting and Journaling

Hey. I'm going to limit my goals to three. My daily living and my childcare issues are separate. And they take a lot of my time and energy. Although, come to think of it, I am going to add some personal goals to my professional/creative goals above. So...

5. Potty train the girl. I think she's getting close. She never used to pee on the potty but now she is complaining about the diaper. If I can get her to WANT to use the diaper, then I've gotten somewhere.

6. Take care of myself. Make sure I have time to relax. Get enough sleep. Eat right. Take my vitamins.

So there it is. Small goals. Or big ones, but only a few of them.

I think in order to fit those things in, I have to have a schedule.

It might go something like this.

7-8 wake up. Set kids up with Dora and breakfast and write in silence for one to two hours. Get basic minimum word count.

9-10ish play with kids, snacks. Online.

around 11:30 lunch for kids and blog.

12noon to 1: maybe some drawing, reading while kids play outside or watch tv (tv is my babysitter. it may be bad mothering, but it's the only way I get time to work)

1: girl naps. boy watches a movie and/or plays quietly. Write chapter. Or perhaps this is where I get the shop updated. Perhaps I alternate days for this. One day on the chapter, one day on the shop. Or perhaps there's time there for getting writing done.

4pm: girl wakes up, I make dinner.

5pm dinner.

6pm playing, relaxing, reading, whatever

7-8 bedtime.

8pm primetime tv for me. but IF THERE'S NOTHING ON I should just write. After my shows, write.

11pm. Bedtime. I don't know if I can do this, but maybe. I've been having some trouble sleeping, so lets see.

Well, I'm going to work on this goal list and on this schedule. If I alternate days and stick to the schedule instead of goofing off, I should be able to manage something.

Be Do Have

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, mixed media, 2003

Chapter 13: The Thinker

I have a history of thinking too much. Of getting wrapped up in my thinking and not taking action.

I've been working on it for years, now.


I like this chapter. The white on black. The simplicity.

Be. Do. Am. It says. There's another saying. Be. Do. Have. The concept is that in order to achieve your dreams, you have to Be them first. Whatever you want to have in your life, you have to Be it. You want happiness? Be happy. You want abundance. Be abundant. You want to be a writer? Be a writer.

First the transformation happens in the head. The thoughts. Then you take steps. You do the things that come out of the happiness, abundance, writerliness. You play or offer thanks for what you have or, well, write.

Then after you embody the dream (Be) and after you take action on the dream (Do) then you finally get the results you wanted. You will have the happy life. You will have the wealth. You will have the three book deal with the major publishing company.

Sometimes, we get confused and think we have to HAVE the things before we can live the life we want. Have the perfect job, or the finished novel that's already inside our heads, or life perfect and serene which will bring happiness. But no, we don't reach our dreams by having stuff. We reach our dreams by accepting them inside ourselves and then moving forward from that secure place.

This month I am living into my dream of BEing a writer, by making room for it in my life. I am writing, 2000 words a day if things go my way, word by word, every session I can step away from the madness of a 2 and 4 year old. And maybe, when this draft is done, and I have the solid manuscript in my hand, then I can go on to the next step of this dream of mine.

Believing that I have what it takes to be a novelist. Being a novelist. Researching the agents, sending out queries, taking steps out into the world. Then, then after Being the novelist, and Doing what the novelist needs to do, I will have the publishing contract, and the books in the stores. Yes.

Honestly, that's always where I've been stopped before.

I've never really believed that I deserved it. I stall out. I get scared. I self sabotage.

In truth, I don't see how any of us can reach our dreams if we don't exist in them first. Be Do Have.

Oh, and a little luck never hurt anyone, either.

nanowrimo total: 3444 words. Day 1 1/2

Respect/Ability

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson

An Altered Book, mixed media, 2003

Chapter 12: Respectability.

words (hidden in the tiny hatchmarks)

believe

RESPECT

ABILITY

no more hiding/I say no more hiding/ I am done

On the eve of the eve of nanowrimo, the eve of all sorts of life changes, the eve of the constant work of creating myself, I like this reminder.

The chapter is called "Respectability" which points to something that others think about you. But my chapter is about Respect/Ability... which in a way, at least in this chapter, is about our own thoughts about ourselves.

I get very scared about going for the things I really want.

I am afraid that I am not good enough to succeed.

I am afraid that I am not strong enough to bear it if I don't.

So I have a tendency to avoid committing fully to my dreams.

But the truth is, if we respect our own abilities, the ability to think it through, the ability to live up to the challenges, the ability to create something beautiful, the ability to roll with the punches, the ability to revision and redesign, then going for those thrilling, frightening dreams doesn't have to be so scary.

We don't have to get it all right. We don't have to do it perfectly without stumbles. We don't have to win.

No. We don't have to win. We don't have to be successes. What about that? Is that confrontational? I find it a little confrontational.

We don't have to succeed, we just have to live. We just have to love what we love and run with the beast of our hearts.

My beast wants to take chances and try those things I am afraid of.

My beast wants to write my novels and to get an agent and to be published. My beast wants people to read my books. Oh gosh. No, it doesn't. My beast wants to write stories and get wrapped up in the worlds. Fill journals and paint pictures. My ego is the one that wants to be published.

But if it doesn't work out?

My ego might be crushed, but my beast will be just as happy to continue writing nanowrimo novels and blogging and telling my kids stories and drawing pictures and teaching people. Right?

Oh I don't know. Somehow, I feel that if I believe in my own heart and respect my own abilities, I can be happy with what I do, without public recognition.

What about you? Do you need the win to feel worthy? Or are you okay with just following the beast of your heart, damn publication, damn critical acclaim. Damn riches and wealth?

Are you looking for respectability in the eyes of the world, or are you content to respect your own abilities, and live in your own skin?

Adventures

Williamsburg, Brooklyn; A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, Mixed Media 2003

Chapter 11 Adventure

Here she is, Flying Girl. Jumping and falling and flying and gaining powers and becoming herself. It's so funny to see Flying Girl in other stages of my life. She first appeared when I was in college, but keeps popping up.

This is another timely chapter to my book, because I have to say I am freaked out.

It's looking like the move to California, knock on wood, might actually happen soon, (crossing fingers). It has been postponed again and again and I am kind of at my wit's end about it all. But the possibility of it happening soon is scaring the hell out of me.

I'm a nester. I sit and make my spot in life comfortable. I collect things and get myself a comfy chair and a lot of books and I cook nice food and paint things to put on the walls.

But this move will be a blank slate. A fresh start. From zero, pretty much.

I don't know anything about California except what I see in tv and movies and read in books and hear from distant friends. It sounds cool and all... but it won't be anything like what my life used to be like. Of course, my life now isn't what it used to be like.
Last night I had a hard time sleeping envisioning it.

But I know that the way to handle this kind of fear is to reframe your thinking.

The unkown can be scary... it is true... but you want to know what else it can be? Say it with me.

An ADVENTURE.

Rather than focusing on how frightening it can be to be in completely new surroundings, cut off from the familiar, I am going to focus on the adventure of it. The discovery. The possibilities.

I've never seen the Pacific.

That's exciting.

Or San Francisco.

That's exciting.

I'm looking forward to adventures in thrifting and yardsaling. I love that kind of stuff. I am looking forward to decorating a home.

Come to think of it, I am looking forward to being without all the stuff that often keeps us back. Sometimes it is literal stuff, all the posessions that we hold onto and that keep us in a certain place, sometimes it is our psychological stuff.


When you are in a completely unknown place, without all of those people and places and activities and habits that have shaped your life, are you not free to create the life of your dreams?

This scary move into the unknown, is it not just a super adventure and the chance to focus on all those things I've always wanted to focus on?

Maybe my super powers will be set free. Like this flying girl in her chapter here.

Oh. PS. On the nanowrimo front. Yesterday was a good day. I started off early and made a list of things I had to do, and then... I did them. I know, I know, novel concept. But the more small steps I too towards doing these things, the less they were scary and overwhelming.

I am on stage 4 of the snowflake outline method, and probably won't get to the end, but I never have gotten to the end of that. And I would totally be able to start this baby tonight if it were November 1st. What I'd really like to do is finish my 50k words by the middle of November, so if I do actually move by the end of November, which is one of the possibilities, then I won't have to deal with packing and writing a novel and moving and freaking out all at once.

I have decided the 100 hours in 100 days concept is not working for me. Sadly. I think I'm going to have to let the concept go for these last 100 days of 2009. It's not working. I gave myself the wrong challenge, I think. 100 hours of writing did not work out. It's possible that it is because of the timing and the moving and the upheaval and nanowrimo and everything else that's happening. Under other circumstances it might have been perfect.... but that's one of the things about a challenge, it has to fit your life the way it is.